Mind reading is dangerous

A lot of people are mind readers. Some people are even very proficient at it, reading minds of people every day, all day long. And most of the time, they get it so wrong. Mind reading is a dangerous trait.

The practice of mind reading

Of course I’m not talking about some supernatural phenomenon, a paranormal ability or extrasensory perception. I’m talking about a trait, or maybe a habit even. The habit of presuming to know what other people are thinking, without sufficient evidence of those thoughts. Some examples:

• “He must think I’m stupid for not knowing the answer to that question.”
• “When I ask for directions, she probably thinks I’m not man enough to take care of myself.”
• “If I’m not working full-time he thinks I’m not ambitious or that I’m taking advantage of his money.”
• “If I bring flowers, she probably thinks I have to make up for something.”
• “Oh my gosh he brought flowers…would that mean that…oh my gosh!”

Get the picture? “Reading” the mind of the other person, without knowing what’s really on their mind!

What makes matters worse is that people act upon those imagined thoughts, as if they were actual thoughts of the other! And that in turn might set off a whole series of events, leading to a great and possibly very damaging misunderstanding. I know, I’ve seen it again this week. Big time!

The underlying dynamics

When we have an interaction with someone else, we are constantly observing their behavior and listening to their responses (or noting the absence thereof). We then add our own interpretation of what it all means. Our own interpretation! We use our own representation system and our own value system to reconstruct how the other got to chose that particular response. We use our experiences, our world view, our values, our beliefs to reconstruct what the other thinks! And we usually fail miserably at it…as can be expected.

The other is different, with different experiences, a different world view, a different value and belief system. They are simply wired in another way than we are wired. Our chain of thoughts might not be their chain of thoughts. In reality the thoughts we plant in other people’s minds say more about ourselves than about the other! But unfortunately not a lot of people are aware of this.

How to prevent this from going bad

First you need to be aware that you are doing this too. Don’t deny it, everybody does it one time or another. The fact that you’re reading this article helps a great deal already, because you are now aware of the phenomenon and that will help you in recognizing it when it happens.

When it happens, take some time to ask yourself: How do I know this? How do I know that he thinks I’m stupid, lazy, man enough or whatever. Did they say so? Usually they haven’t. Simply asking yourself this simple question is a major step in preventing continued mind reading.

Did you observe behavior that lead you to mind reading? If so, it might be a good opening to give feedback. “The behavior you just showed, makes me feel [fill in emotion] and makes me assume that you think [fill in thought].” This is often opening enough to begin a very constructive discussion about your interaction and how both of you react to it. And most of the times the other is really surprised to discover that they evoke those responses.

And in case you’re really desperate to know what’s on their minds, why not simply ask? “What’s on your mind?” is a perfectly legitimate question. Or if that’s too direct for you, package it in a “what-if” scenario. “What would you think about me, if I asked for directions?”. The answer may just surprise you