‘Cause we all just wanna be big rockstars
And live in hilltop houses driving fifteen cars
~ Lyrics from “Rockstar” by Nickelback

Fifteen cars? Is that what you want too? Chances are that the thought of something similar has crossed your mind at some time in your life. How couldn’t it have, we’re pummeled with the marketed picture of those “perfect” lives almost on a daily basis.

And that’s a problem. There are so many influences and media these days that we are consistently battered with messages about stuff to do, be or want. Sure, we zap away, develop ad blindness, take it with a grain of salt or even ridicule the commercials. But they work anyway. Trust me on this one, they work. On you, on me, on everyone.

Now featured in the self help literature

It’s not that concerning when it comes to what brand of soda we buy, or what brand of beer. But the effect extends to the level of the way we want to live our lives. Our goals and our visions of how a successful life are lived are influenced by them in a major way.

This trend has even crossed over to the self help section of your book store. Stories of abundance and grand riches have always been a part of the success literature, partly because it’s one of the most common ways of measuring success and partly because that’s what people are looking for. But if you look carefully at how they are presented, there’s been a a change.

It changed from examples to a theory or a message, to the example of how it’s done and what you should want too. The book and the accompanying movie “The Secret” are a big example for this phenomenon. I’ve written about them before, and if you read that you know that I’m divided about the message.

Overly focused on materialistic objects

One of the effects that I totally hate is the overfocus on the materialistic translation of being successful. Somehow that’s the effect that gets across the most and in the most ridiculous way too. If you haven’t seen the movie, watch this video that’s available at the website of The Secret:

It’s something isn’t it? Videos like these inspire other people to make videos like these (search youtube for mind movies and find many more):

(why are Martin Luther King, Mahatma Ghandi, John Lennon and Mother Theresa in there?!)

It’s amazing, it’s so MTV Cribs. Hilltop houses and fifteen cars. I mean I can understand Jay Leno, he has a passion for cars. He’s a collector, and collectors are passionately crazy about the objects they collect. But a random set of expensive high performance cars, what’s it gonna bring you? That’s the question not a lot of people ask themselves.

Goals are often solutions, result oriented. And especially in western society we have a tendency to translate that into a materialistic result. Something tangible, something we can measure. The Secret has given people examples of goals (houses, dollars, cars, shoes, diamonds) that represent a big monetary value.

But what does the money bring you? What does owning a hilltop house bring you? What does owning three performance cars bring you? What does [insert materialistic object] bring you?

What does owning … bring you?

Money can bring you a sense of certainty, peace of mind. That’s a result! It can be “Fuck you money” by bringing you the ability to say no to stuff that you don’t want to do. That’s a result! The money by itself is nothing, it represents something for you. And that something is what makes it valuable. The same goes for the cars, the private jet, the multiple houses. What do they bring you? What makes them valuable for you.

And when you know what they bring you, you know that you have defined a solution to getting that. How many alternatives can you come up with that bring the same effect? I can bet with you that there are alternatives that are more viable, more authentic, than the marketed goals that we are likely to adopt.

I know I’ve fallen victim to it. On several occasions even. But I usually recognize them later on, and cross them off my list ruthlessly and think about what result I’m really after and what alternative ways there are to accomplish them. I’ve found that there always are. And usually simpler too.

As the world is buzzing about the keynote speech Steve Jobs gave yesterday at Macworld Expo, I want to draw your attention to another speech he gave: the commencement speech at Stanford University in 2005.

In this speech Steve Jobs tells three stories. They are stories with a message of the lessons life presents and about how your choices define the outcome of those lessons. The underlying message throughout the speech is a message of authenticity, about being true to your own values, needs and wants, about listening to your own inner voice.

Enjoy this 15 minute video:

Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary. - Steve Jobs

This is the last in a series of six sidenotes, the others can be found here:
How hard can it be, to be me (1)
How hard can it be, to be me (2); dissecting the authentic life
How hard can it be, to be me (3); hypothesize
How hard can it be, to be me (4); test for authenticity
How hard can it be, to be me (5); acceptance or rejection

Now that we have found some authentic activities or goals, and we have taken the first step towards achieving them (you have taken the first step, right?). Now we have to maintain our connection to it in our everyday lives. We have to keep the connection within, and deal with the pressures from outside.

We all know what societal pressures are about. We can name examples of things we are supposed to do, or behavior that we are supposed to show, or achievements that are expected of us, careers that we are destined for, and so on. They are all aspects of what others want you to be or think you should be!

If you’re not aware of your authentic needs and wants, you are destined to react directly to this environment. Typical reactions are:

• pleasing (conformist; always complying to expectations)
• opposing (non-conformist; always deliberately not-complying to expectations)
• apathetic (indecisive or not interested in compliance to expectations)

Reacting directly to what happens in your environment, without making a conscious decision, makes you a function of your environment. The environment then, is the most critical defining factor in defining you. Having a connection with your authentic needs and wants, makes it easier to take decisions. There’s more to it, but it’s a step in the right direction.

Being authentic is about what you want to be. If you’ve found activities or purposes that you have found to be authentic to you, you have created a foundation against these pressures. It creates an inner-reference, and creates an attitude of creation.

I’ll be returning to the subject of withstanding societal pressures a lot more. Dealing with it is the ongoing process of remaining authentic, getting there is one, staying in touch with it, is quite another.

This is the fifth in a series of six sidenotes, the first four can be found here:
How hard can it be, to be me (1)
How hard can it be, to be me (2); dissecting the authentic life
How hard can it be, to be me (3); hypothesize
How hard can it be, to be me (4); test for authenticity

Hypothesizing and testing are needed for the actual result, the conclusion. Is the assumption stated in the hypothesis true or false? The information gathered in the testing phase needs to lead to this conclusion.

Based on the test, three outcomes are possible:

• The results are inconclusive
• The hypothesis is rejected
• The hypothesis is accepted

The results are inconclusive.

That sucks. Most of the times this is due to one of the following reasons:

• The hypothesis is not clear enough, or ambiguous.
• The hypothesis is multi-purpose. For example:
  ” To ensure my authentic future growth, running a community centre and starting a community theatre group allow me to add value or meaning to my and other people’s lives.”
  This hypothesis needs to be broken up in two separate parts, one about running the centre, and the other about the theatre group.
• The testing and research has not been done extensively enough. This is important stuff, don’t rush it! Go out and talk to those people, and then to some more.
• The introspective testing has proven to be to hard to do on your own. Go find someone that you trust to help you with it. There are lots of coaches out there.

The hypothesis is rejected.

Good! You learned a lot while conducting this exercise, and probably have a clue about (several) other hypotheses.

The hypothesis is accepted.

Congratulations! You have found a gem. Now write it down on a piece of paper, and put it somewhere, so you see it on a daily basis. Then think about the next action, what can you do now to take the first step in achieving what you want?

In the next and last sidenote, I’m looking into societal pressure

This is the fourth in a series of six sidenotes, the first three can be found here:
How hard can it be, to be me (1)
How hard can it be, to be me (2); dissecting the authentic life
How hard can it be, to be me (3); hypothesize

Tests. Love to hate them? Or hate to love ‘em?

In the previous sidenote I stated that we have to test whether goals and purposes are authentic. To do this I use a technique similar to statistical hypothesis testing, but without the statistical mumbo-jumbo.

A hypothesis is a statement in which we express an assumption. Next is conducting a test that gives us data to analyze whether this assumption is true or false. Tests gather data and information; the test criteria provide a conclusion.

In this series of sidenotes we are focusing on discovering authentic activities, goals and purposes. We have made hypotheses that state our assumptions. Gathering information on these hypotheses is not as straightforward as we might like. For example, when looking at one of the hypotheses:

To ensure my authentic future growth, starting a blog about personal development allows me to add value or meaning to my and other people’s lives.

I have to gather information on all parts:

1. Does it allow me to grow?
2. Does it add value or meaning to me?
3. Does it add value or meaning to others?

Items 1 and 2 are about me, item 3 is about others. They require different tactics.

I cannot come up with answers for the others, so I have to talk to them to get a feel about that. So to test this hypothesis, I will specifically ask people around me if they feel it would add value or meaning to them if my ideas where available on the web in a blog. I already knew that interacting with others about these topics face to face, was perceived as adding value or meaning. I was specifically focusing on getting to know whether and how a written (much less interactive) version would also add value. I’m still very much open to feedback on this issue. What do you like about my blog? What can I do better? Please leave a comment so I can use it to improve.

For items 1 and 2, I have to turn inward. They are about me, and in the end it’s about my emotions towards the activity or purpose. Growth to me, is a making progress towards a desired future of which I have a vision; this can be done “thinking”. Value or meaning is whether I feel good about it; this has to be done “feeling”. There are several techniques available to help you, ranging from sitting in front of the fireplace with a glass of whisky pondering the past, present and future, to guided visualization-exercises where you visit your own funeral or talk to the inner child. You can also ask people questions about what they feel gets you enthusiastic. Or can you remember instances of flow? They are indicators of authentic activities. These are examples of techniques I have used. And as Gitari says in the very first comment on this blog “all the trees in the forest are not the same”. What works for me, may not work for you.

I encourage you to do the exercises, in the doing is the learning. In the next post I’ll talk about how to decide on whether to accept or reject the hypothesis.