Wednesday. 5:12am
It’s dark in the bedroom.

The faint light emitted by the display of a cell phone illuminates the inside of a small closet. A guy is fumbling around in a drawer with socks, apparently not finding what he needs.

He’s acting quietly, only two steps away from a bed. One side of the bed is still warm, the other side is still in use.

After rummaging around some more, they guy picks up a pair of socks and quietly leaves the room.

I’ve been running for a three weeks again, training to finish half a marathon in the autumn this year. Last Wednesday during my run I learned a couple of things. One of them is that improper socks increase the chance of blisters (ouch).

Over the past four runs I have increased both my distance and speed on every run:

1. 3.5 km | 21:19 | 9.8 km/h
2. 4.2 km | 25:30 | 9.9 km/h
3. 5.0 km | 29:55 | 10.0 km/h
4. 6.1 km | 35:28 | 10.3 km/h

That’s really encouraging, but I should look out for getting overly confident. As you can see in the increase in distance, well even that increasing. First 0.7 km more, then 0.8 km and even 1.1 km on the last run. At this pace, I’ll be running marathons in a matter of weeks! (yes, that’s overconfident)

During that run though, my body was giving me signals. My stamina was not a problem, but my right knee was protesting a little. I noticed a faint irritation, a muscle maybe. Somewhat later, I began to realize that I was developing a blister on one of my toes on my right foot. Hmm, the right side again.

This week I began reading a new book Stupid, Ugly, Unlucky and Rich: Spike’s Guide to Success, and while running I was going through the “8 to be great”. Push and Persist are two of them. So I pushed myself and persisted.

Later that day, my ankle started sending me messages as well. The right ankle. Right again…

Stop right there, Lodewijk! Your body is sending messages, stop and listen, it usually has something meaningful to tell you.

The knee and the ankle.
They show faint feelings of irritation. Nothing serious, will cure with some rest. The solution is to ease the schedule a bit. Don’t overdue it, is what they try to teach me.

All irritations on the right side.
This is a sign of improper technique I guess. I’m not dividing the strain evenly over all parts of my body. Something to focus on in the next run, maybe even find someone who can train me proper technique.

Blisters.
They tell me to use proper equipment. Not regular socks, but socks made for running. Not tennis shoes, but running shoes. Yeah, I knew this but ignored it anyway. Not smart…thank you blisters.

The messages are only warnings, no injuries…yet.

Warning that I may be pushing too hard. So besides getting the right attitude and right equipment, it’s also time to learn some more about training schedules for marathons. After all, I don’t want to get injured by ignorance.

Time to learn something from the people who did this before. Successfully.

Man stands in his own shadow and wonders why it’s dark.
~Zen Proverb

Limitations that are set onto you by others, invoke rebellion. In me it does anyway. Who do they think they are to restrict my freedom? To restrict my ability to choose what to do and what not? If you want to see me getting all wound up, you should do just that.

Now I may react a lot stronger than most people, because freedom is right up there on top of my list of most important personal core values. Don’t touch my freedom! There’s only one person who really is able to limit me in my freedom, without invoking massive rebellious action.

Me.

That’s right. Only me.

Self-Imposed Restraints

It’s me who is my enemy
Me who beats me up
Me who makes the monsters
Me who strips my confidence.
~Paula Cole 

I’ve found that the strongest chains are the ones you use to restrain yourself. It’s unbelievable how creative I can get in restraining myself and limiting my freedom to express myself, to do what I want to do and to be who I want to be. Worst of all, I do it without my own consent and often even not conscious at all. Where’s that inner rebel when you need him?

But I know the answer to that question already: The inner rebel is hurting when I choose to rob myself from my freedom. He’s there inside of me standing by to support me and encourage me every time I need to defend my valued freedom. And then all of a sudden I, the one he tries to defend, turn around and stab him in the back by doing it to myself.

He shuts up, puzzled and hurting.

I know, I can feel his pain. It’s down there in my stomach.

I don’t always recognize it, but sure enough it’s a signal. And one I’m learning to recognize earlier than before, now I came to realize that I truly am my greatest enemy. About as much as I am my greatest asset.

Hidden Powers

I am convinced all of humanity is born with more gifts than we know. Most are born geniuses and just get de-geniused rapidly.
~Buckminster Fuller

Inside of me is a big set of hidden powers, a box of assets, waiting to be tapped into. This belief is relevant to dealing with my self-imposed restraints, because it’s telling me that there’s a hidden power in that behavior as well. I just need to learn to recognize it and to harness its power in a constructive way.

You see, the self-limiting behavior is not bad in itself. I realize it has a positive intention for me too, it’s trying to protect me. It does so by limiting the chance of me getting hurt or feeling bad, because it prevents me from entering into situation that might result in that. And I think that strategy sucks. It’s hardly empowering, and in the end it doesn’t get me anywhere.

Four Steps To New Behavior

The question is how to unleash the power of me, empowered by harnessing that limiting power in a positive way, while being encouraged by my inner rebel. That would result in super powers! (Don’t worry, I’m not going to levitate away right now).

1. First is to acknowledge that my habit of limiting myself is not bad. It’s just a not-so-smart-way of expressing a positive intention. It’s an asset when used in the right way.
2. Second is to understand the benefits you get from that behavior. In my case the intention was to ease my self doubts. By learning the lessons of others and applying them to myself, I got a feeling of certainty. It didn’t last though, but that’s usually the case with bad strategies in behavior.
3. Third is to find a solution that will satisfy both conflicting parts in me. The part that rebels on one hand and the part that restricts on the other hand. Look for alternative behavior or an alternative belief that might satisfy both of them.
4. Fourth is to apply that behavior. It’ll be easier than you think it will be, although it might feel awkward at first. But because both forces are aligned now, there’s less chance of falling back in “bad” behavior.

It’s a simple four step process, that might take a while to really get into my system. Finding new behavior that satisfies both parts however, is more powerful than the old behavior and gives more results. Of course things will happen that will throw me back into old behavior, it’s what I’m accustomed to do after all. But I’ll be quicker at recognizing it, and at adapting my behavior to the most empowering form again.

The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others.
~Sonya Friedman

Think about this. Others will notice it when you allow yourself to bully yourself around. And if you allow yourself to do that, what would keep others from doing the same? After all you just set the standard…

Photo by myself 

Man must cease attributing his problems to his environment, and learn again to exercise his will - his personal responsibility. - Albert Einstein

Everyday people from all layers of society are using a variety of techniques to avoid taking responsibility for their actions. These techniques can be classified as evasion, avoidance, denial or even obstruction of responsibility. They might seem to accomplish this, but they don’t help you forward in any way. And…c’mon, if you’re doing it, it doesn’t feel all that good, now does it?

In this post we’re going behind the scenes to take a look at the dynamics of why people shy away from responsibility. We’re also taking a look at what reality looks like as a result. And there’s also a sneak preview of what that reality would look like if you change the meaning of reponsibility.

Not all responsibilities are created equal

Everybody is responsible for something. A lot of the responsibilities are acquired, but the responsibility for your own life is definitely yours to take. Yet even though it’s the core responsibility, a lot of people shy away from that one too. To understand why people do this we need to understand the underlying thought processes.

Responsibility is a concept, it’s not tangible and as such we cannot see, hear or touch it. The meaning of these conceptual words (meta model words in NLP) is learned by experience, usually early in life during childhood. At one time a situation happened and you learned the meaning of that word “responsibility”. That very situation is now attached as a subconscious “video”, whenever you hear that word. New situations get added to that meaning as you progress through life, but you mainly build upon that first experience.

Unfortunately that first experience is usually a negative one. Something went wrong and someone was held responsible for it. Or maybe worse…you were held responsible for it. And you learned something: responsibility is no fun!

If you’re lucky, you learned the meaning of responsibility while you were receiving praise. Someone praised you for a good result and told you you were responsible for that wonderful result. It happens, but it’s rare. But it results in a totally different notion of responsibility and a very different attitude towards it.

The dynamics of avoiding responsibility

So it’s not a very pleasant word for most of us. It gets worse though, as we grow older we learn that being responsible for something also means that we are supposed to take control. And when we take control, we will be held accountable by someone else if it’s an acquired responsibility (e.g. your job). And we learn that being held accountable is no fun either. Painful at times even.

Chain of associations

1. Responsibility = being in control
2. Being in control = being held accountable
3. Being held accountable = painful
4. Pain = no good

The resulting chain of association gets stronger, and is reinforced by an instinctive mechanism: Pain avoidance. People are natural pain avoiders, it’s even genetically programmed into our system:

Pain is part of the body’s defense system, triggering a reflex reaction to retract from the painful stimuli, and helps adjust behaviour to increase avoidance of that particular harmful situation in the future.
- excerpt from Pain @ Wikipedia

So it’s not really the responsibility we’re avoiding, but the pain we have associated with it.

Changing the paradigm

Avoiding the pain might work on a short term. Yet at the same time we also know when we should’ve taken responsibility and didn’t, and that resulted in another not-so-nice feeling. And you’re not getting anywhere too.

It’s better to change the paradigm, to lose the association between responsibility and pain. We saw earlier on that it’s possible to have a positive meaning or association with the word responsibility. So we’re going to work on getting more of the positive associations and less of the negative. Easier said than done, right? It’s not really that hard, trust me. We’re just going to stop using the word ‘responsibility’.

The negative assocations we have with that word are too strong to ignore. We can’t just lose them, since we spent so many years training and reinforcing them. And ‘responsibility’ is a nasty word anyway, it’s so passive. It’s derived from ‘to respond’ and you can’t respond unless there’s an outside trigger. We need to find an active synonym.

Taking credit for results is an active formulation. “I take credit!” is something you can say proactively, you don’t have to respond, you can take the initiative. Good? Not yet, better but not good enough. Because ‘credit’ is a nasty word as well, with way too many unpleasant associations. Let’s replace it with ‘merit’, that’s a pleasant and positive word.

So along those lines, we will replace ‘responsible‘ with ‘meritable‘.

Now change your vocabulary!

Feels like playing with words? True, but we’re really going to replace it in our language. Whenever you hear responsible, replace it with meritable when you listen. Whenever you want to say responsibility, say meritability instead. It will feel awkward at first, but you’ll notice the impact instantly.

Suddenly things that you associated with pain, become areas where you can deserve praise for. It’s an opportunity to create, to do something good, to score. It’s fun again! And if you keep it up long enough, you will end up reinforcing positive associations that will even replace the negative associations of ‘responsible’. In time even that word will be safe to use again.

Disclaimer:
There’s a large group of people out there, that firmly believes that there is a secret to success. If you are a hardcore believer of this theory, you will regard this article as an attempt to dodge the question or a blunt evasion of letting you in on the secret. You’re probably right too. The secret can’t be freely available, because that would forfeit the status of secret and you wouldn’t believe me anyway.

The secret of success, it’s a mysterious concept that appeals to the imagination of a lot of people. If it’s a secret it must be something really valuable, otherwise it wouldn’t be kept a secret. If only “they” would let me in on it, then I can be successful too. If only someone would tell me…

It’s the lazy man’s conviction: “Successful people make it look so easy, they must know something I don’t. If only they would tell me, I would be successful too.”

Why do people insist on believing that there are such things as secrets, or magic or tricks that successful people use to be successful? Wake up people! There is no secret, there is no magic and it’s not a trick! Face it: there is no secret!

…but there is an ingredient

The ‘secret’ ingredient of success is a liquid. It’s prepared with a fair amount of dihydrogen monoxide, some parts sodium chloride, a pinch of 2-methylphenol and one part 4-methylphenol. The bad news is that it can’t be bought. The good news is that you can make your own home brew.

One of the most common ways of preparing a dose is by standing up, placing your right foot about two feet in front of your left foot. Now place your left foot about two feet in front of your right foot. Alternate this while increasing speed for about 10 minutes and the secret ingredient will appear in a thin film evenly distributed over your body.

That’s right, the secret ingredient is sweat! Edison has been telling us that for over 150 years now:

Genius is one percent inspiration, ninety-nine percent perspiration. - Thomas A. Edison

Edison does leave an opening though, there can’t be a secret in the perspiration (yuck, gross!), so it must be in the inspiration! If only I knew what was in the 1%… if only, because then… Yeah right! BS!

The 8 secrets to success (most of which are pretty sweaty)

Richard St John defined his version of 8 secrets of success. He has a short 3 minute, funny and inspiring talk about them at TED that’s definitely worth a look. In the talk he answers the question a teenager once asked him: “What’s the secret of success?”. Unable to give a swift answer to that question, he talked to a lot of successful people and defined 8 common factors that they had in common. These 8 factors are:

Passion and Ideas could be labeled as the Inspiration traits, although Ideas arguably is a Perspiration trait. Richard says: “There’s no magic to Ideas, anyone can be creative.” Ideas are generated by listening, observing, being curious, asking questions, solving problems, making connections… Yep, that’s definitely a Perspiration trait as well.

So 7 out of 8 are Perspiration, and only one is Inspiration. That’s still almost 90% sweat, and that still is the main ingredient of success.

So success is all work and no play?

No.
Definitely not!

Work, or putting in sweat, is the largest factor in being successful. You could be successful in almost anything if you just put in the 90+% perspiration, but to keep it fun and sustainable over the long run, it’s important to find something your passionate about.

Now that’s not easy to do, and a lot of people don’t know what exactly they’re passionate about. I struggle with this on regular basis myself. It’s just important to realize that finding your passion is an activity; you have to look for it actively to find your passion. It won’t pop up in your head someday, while you were waiting for your passion to find you.

And the best way to look for it, is to start working on stuff that you like. If you like to do something, feel satisfied about, have fun doing, feel proud about, look forward to something, that’s when you’re touching on your potential passion.

If you put in the 90+% perspiration on those subjects, it still will feel like a lot of work to be successful, but at least you’ll have fun doing it.

Image by DISC0STU

In every difficult situation is potential value. Believe this, then begin looking for it. Norman Vincent Peale

Sometimes it seems like life is preventing you from achieving your goals. You define your goals right, you make them aligned with you values, you plan the time to work on them and then … something unexpected happens.

This can be anything. Life can be very creative in throwing obstacles on your path. I’ve come to believe that these obstacles are actually a gift of life to you, because they are trying to tell you something. All we need to do is listen, before we go on.

In his famous book The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho touches on this topic as well. One of my favorite quotes from this book is:

Whoever you are, or whatever it is that you do, when you really want something, it’s because that desire originated in the soul of the universe. It’s your mission on earth. And when you want something, the whole universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.

And as true and inspiring as this is, Coelho also says that before you can reach your dream, you will be tested by the very same universe. And besides that test right before reaching his dream, there were many obstacles on the way of the shepherd Santiago as well.

How can we learn from obstacles?

First you need to look at obstacles as tests. They are not there to prevent you from reaching your dream or from achieving your goals. They are there to teach you something about yourself. It is important that you adopt this belief!

I think there are four main challenges in the obstacles we encounter.

Challenge 1: The dream test

Man is so made that whenever anything fires his soul, impossibilities vanish. Jean de la Fontaine

One of the first tests you’ll encounter is about the question whether you are really following your own dream. It happens that we sometimes are fooled by ourselves. We define something as a dream, but in reality it’s not entirely our dream. And when we’re not following our own dreams, whose dreams are we pursuing instead? Right! Someone else’s dreams … either in whole or in part, bot someone else’s dreams nevertheless.

If this happens though, life will throw obstacles at you in a staggering pace. Because life wants you to pursue your own dreams, and will make sure that it does what it can to get you back on track. And it does so by making the realization of the false dream very hard.

How to identify: Ask yourself this question: “How would I really feel if I never accomplished this in my entire life?”. Would it leave you hurting and is this too hard to accept? (hint: You have found the dream, or are very close to it) Or would you accept it, and just formulate something else? (hint: Life’s teaching you a lesson)

The action to take: Reconnect to your personal core values, your personal mission statement or your personal mantra. Visualize your future and redefine your dream. This challenge helped you to uncover another piece of it, now fill in the blanks.

Image by jarrodlombardo

Challenge 2: The priority test

I’ve learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. Maya Angelou

If you manage to get past challenge one, you get to the next round: Priority testing. Life has a way to show you how to see your dream and goals in perspective, by showing you what else you need to factor in. If you put your dream as an ultimate top priority, it will throw obstacles at you, related to health (mental or physical), love, family, friends and so on. These are important as well, and can be higher up the priority list.

These topics are often overlooked, partly because they’re ’soft’ and hard to translate into goals, or maybe because they are taken for granted a little bit too easy. Life is trying to teach you that you should pursue your dream, but not regardless!

How to identify: Whenever you’re pushing to get to that goal, something happens. You get ill, your spouse or your children get ill. You lack the energy to get the job done. You suddenly get anxiety attacks.

The action to take: Set your priorities straight. There’s more to life than accomplishing your dream. You need to be fit for purpose to get it done anyway. So take your time to be healthy and relax, take the time to have a family and social life. Living your dream is hardly ever done alone.

Challenge 3: The skills test

Identify the major obstacle that stands between you and your goal and begin today to remove it. Brian Tracy

It may also be that you don’t have the right skills yet, to fully pursue your dream. The obstacles that will arise are those that will call for these skills specifically. Life’s pretty smart when it comes to obstacles

It’s okay to find out that you don’t have the skills yet. Just don’t give up, but make another plan. What you need to remember here is that learning an essential skill to reach your dream, is working on accomplishing that dream too! You may feel like you’re working on something else, or losing time, but in fact you are setting the stage for success later on.

How to identify: You know that the task at hand is essential to achieving your dream, but you are unable to do it. You’ve thought about other ways to get around the problem, but keep getting back to that skill your missing.

The action to take: Learning a new skill might feel like a mountain to conquer. But my experience is that if that skill is necessary to get closer to fulfilling your dream, learning the skill is not that bad after all. The trick is to get started, so take the first step to learn that skill!

Challenge 4: The commitment test

It is a rough road that leads to the heights of greatness. Seneca

This is the true test. You’ve got it all going: It’s the right dream, you’ve got your priorities straight and you’ve got the skills you need. But…are you ready to do what it takes? Because that’s what life is going to test right now.

It’s going to set a stage where you need to show endurance and perseverance. It’s going to make it hard on you, to test wheter you are man or woman enough to deserve to have your dream fulfilled. This is the time to bite yourself into the matter and push on!

How to identify: You’re certain that you’re not dealing with any of the other three challenges, but there’s a challenge nevertheless. You’re not progressing as fast as you had hoped or planned. Or you find that you may need to take another approach to accomplishing it. Or you may need more funding to take the next step. Or … well any step that needs perseverance actually.

The action to take: Persevere! Make a nice visualization, either imaginary or by creating something that will help you visualize. Make small cuecards that help you remind you what you’re trying to accomplish. These will help you stay focused, when endurance and perseverance are called upon.

Image by absolutwade

Identify the challenge and take appropriate action

Life’s up and downs provide windows of opportunity to determine your values and goals. Think of using all obstacles as stepping stones to build the life you want. Marsha Sinetar

These four challenges have their own lessons to teach. But it is essential to identify what challenge you are dealing with. Only with the right action can you pass. You don’t want to push on (action for challenge 4), when you’re not really pursuing your own dream (challenge 1). And you don’t want to redefine your dream (action for challenge 1), when you find out you don’t have the right skills yet (challenge 3). If you take the wrong action, you are not moving closer to fulfilling your dreams. But if you take the wrong action, most of the time Life will just keep on pushing obstacles on your path.

So when life decides to pull you a trick, and place an obstacle on your path, be grateful! It’s an opportunity to learn something about yourself, and you can consciously choose how to deal with that obstacle. Remember that life is not the opponent. Life wants you to live your dream, and will help you to do just that. It’s good to know that Life’s favorite trick is to challenge you. All we can do is listen and learn.